Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
