I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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