This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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