hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
