i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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