I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
