I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
