Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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