I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
