fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
