Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
