man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
this boner is exhausting
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
