i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
