Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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