Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
