only if we run a train.
done.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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