Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
