remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
