if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
