I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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