Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
