then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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