True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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