so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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