Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
