I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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