I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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