I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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