Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
