i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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