its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
ttyl tear gas
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
