Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
