I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
