My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
