Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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