Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
