Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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