My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
