I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
