There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
