new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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