Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you will always have a special place in my vag
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
