Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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