just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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