**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
