I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Of course I have a pirate flag
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
