i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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