I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
