Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
