the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
