I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
