I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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