My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Best friends brother. Beat that.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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