My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
