Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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