Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Lo siento on account of my penis...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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